


A Simple Plan

by danceswithgary



Category: Smallville
Genre: Birthday, Established Relationship, Humor, Kid Fic, M/M, Podfic, Podfic Available, Sweet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-12-01
Updated: 2006-12-01
Packaged: 2017-10-02 22:14:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/danceswithgary/pseuds/danceswithgary
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lex has a plan. He just needs to make sure he follows the Evil Overlord Rules so it won't fail.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Simple Plan

**Author's Note:**

> Podfic at: <http://www.audiofic.jinjurly.com/simple-plan>

Lex was sure he was going to make it happen this year. He knew where he'd gone wrong in the past and his plans would change accordingly. It had been impossible to keep a secret from that damn alien but he was going to succeed this time.

 

_*// Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size. //*_

 

_*// When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk. //*_

 

Opening a new file on his laptop, he named it Luthor-Kent Tax Records and copied the first 30 pages of this year's tax return into the top of the file. His plan went after that. If that nosy husband of his snooped, he'd think it was their boring personal finances, and he wouldn't keep poking around, looking for evidence of Lex's latest evil-doings to investigate for his day job.

 

_*// My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords. //*_

 

As Lex saved his initial project plan, he re-thought his security measures. Granted, the file was frontloaded with fake data, but he shouldn't assume Clark wouldn't scan the entire file and find the important information at the end. He stood up and opened his study door to call his loyal minion in from the living room. "Conner, I need you to help me for a minute." Returning to his desk, he set a password for the file while waiting for the five-year-old to pull himself away from the television. When Conner came in, Lex pulled him into his lap and asked him to try to open the file, explaining he needed to figure out the password. Even though Conner was a certified genius, he failed to crack the password in the seven minutes Lex allotted. Lex was confident Clark wouldn't stand a chance.

Conner was curious. "Dad, what's in this file that's so important?"

 

_*// One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation. //*_

 

Lex patted him on the head before he sent him back to his cartoons. "I'm putting together a presentation for you to review later. I'll call you back in when it's ready."

"Does it have anything to do with Papa? The only time you want my help is when you're plotting something and you don't want him to know. Have you forgotten what happened with breakfast in bed for Father's Day? The firemen weren't happy and we needed to re-paint the kitchen even though Papa thought the purple spots on the ceiling were cute." Conner snickered when he remembered the exploding blueberries.

"All right, Mister But Dad You Need to Read the Recipe, this time I'm going to listen if you tell me something doesn't look like it's going to work. OK?"

"OK. Can I go back and watch Pinky and the Brain now?"

 

_*// If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.) //*_

 

Clark called to see if he needed to bring home milk for breakfast. He had stopped by the farm for his weekly pie and cookie pickup. "Lex, Mom asked about plans for my birthday. You're not planning a surprise party for me this year, are you? You know you get frustrated when it doesn't work. The last time, I tried to act surprised, but you've always been able to tell when I'm lying, so you ended up twice as upset."

"Clark, I'm just going to schedule an ordinary party for your thirtieth. I realize how futile it is for me to hide anything from you. Is there anyone in particular you'd like me to invite besides Martha, Jonathan and Lois? I was thinking finger food and chocolate cake, sound good?"

"Thanks, Lex, it sounds perfect. A quiet get-together will be wonderful, and can you include Chloe? See you in thirty minutes or so."

 

_*// If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature. //*_

 

Jimmy Olsen was a weak link. Lex arranged to have him sent for an exclusive photo shoot with the latest terrorist cell in the mountains of Kazkazacstan. He wouldn't be back until the day of the party and wouldn't know about the party until he arrived. That would keep him from blurting out party details like last year.

 

_*// The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention. //*_

Lex asked Bruce to make sure Clark was not on Justice League rotation, and to invite any of the other superheroes who were free that day to the party, asking that it remain a secret from Clark. The task of making sure Clark didn't have plans fell to Martha, since Bruce could be less than subtle and Lois was a steamroller at best.

 

_*// I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve. //*_

 

Any questions Clark had about party details were short-circuited by a whispered invitation to join Lex in the bedroom supplemented by a heated kiss. That guaranteed at least an hour of nothing but garbled sounds and single syllable words issuing from both participants.

 

_*// If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner. //*_

 

Lex recovered from post-coital languor first and pretended he hadn't heard Clark's repeated question, leaving the penthouse quickly. The elevator doors closed before Clark thought to follow him.

 

_*// I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion. //*_

 

Lex decided that dressing in jeans and his vintage 'Property of Smallville Athletic Department' t-shirt the day of the party would help defuse any suspicion that he had special plans. He rethought that idea when he remembered that particular outfit tended to lead to random hugs and kisses on the part of Clark and he didn't want him showing up for one at an inopportune moment and that maybe a less sentimental shirt would be a safer choice. He penciled in 'Wear T-shirt' on his calendar for the following Saturday so that he'd pick up those bonus hugs and kisses.

An organic growers' conference, that Lex arranged, provided the excuse to keep Clark away from the penthouse while the party was set up and people arrived. He and Conner were to drive out to the farm to handle the chores for Jonathan. While Clark and Conner were gone, Martha and Jonathan would be helping Lex.

 

_*// Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly. //*_

 

Lex made his final check of the plan. Everything was ready and it was a go for the next day.  Hiding in his study, he tried to find something non-party-related to avoid obsessing. Work was out of the question, he had promised Clark that he wouldn't work at night or on the weekends when Conner was born and he had kept that promise. He wasn't going to break it now. Just as Lex began to relax, Conner knocked on his study door, and then walked in slowly to stand in front of his desk. "Dad, I think I messed up."

 

_*// I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important. //*_

 

Cursing the game designer who diabolically placed the Save points after impossibly long stretches of action, Lex abandoned his online avatar to certain death and shut his laptop. "OK, son, I'm listening."

 

_*// To keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access. //*_

 

Conner blushed, an adorable habit he'd inherited from his younger father. "Well, the plan said I had to act naturally so Papa wouldn't suspect anything, so I was playing that new online game where you help this mad scientist build crazy machines to try to capture Superman. Hey, did you know the scientist looks like the weird guy in that old movie you and Papa like to watch with the stupid spies, but he sounds almost like you?..."  Lex made a mental note to contact his attorneys in the morning. "...and Papa took away my laptop and said I should go outside and play and I said it wasn't any fun alone so he took me flying and I sort of mentioned something when we were talking about how keeping secrets caused you and Papa problems..."

Lex rubbed his temples and sighed. He had forgotten one of the most important rules for world domination, let alone planning a surprise party.

 

_*// I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time. //*_

 

Lex understood that Conner hadn't *planned* to overthrow him, but the result was the same.  Maybe if he started now, he'd be successful next year. He grumbled, "Conner, you do realize you've been demoted from preferred evil minion to superhero sidekick?"

"Dad!"

**Author's Note:**

> 2006 Undermistletoe Challenge - Evil Overlord Rules


End file.
